I had to get a big interview for Area of Effect’s launch. I wanted to find an expert who can speak with authority on some of the biggest blasts, bangs, and even ka-booms in gaming, and who better than literal royalty? King Bob-omb is an iconic video game boss best known for taunting Mario and coughing up the very first Star at the top of a mountain in the opening level of Super Mario 64: Bob-omb Battlefield.

After just a little begging and pleading, and my agreement to a year of enlistment in the trenches of his forever war, I got a chance to chat with the Sovereign of Salvos himself. We discussed the King’s confinement to the world of Mario spinoffs after his auspicious debut, his pyrotechnic inspirations, and the horrors of war.

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The following interview has been edited for clarity. His Highness went on several unsavory rants about Italians that were deemed unfit to publish.

AOE: Thank you for being here, your highness.

I can give you ten minutes. I’m not just a King, you know. I’m Commander-in-Chief in a War. The damn Toads keep coming at us. You may think they’re cute, but not when they’re swarming up the mountain against our formation. We blow five Toads up, and ten Toads replace them. Their shrieks keep me up at night…

You’re a huge part of one of the greatest games of all time, Super Mario 64. Nowadays, your latest credits are a cutaway cameo in The Super Mario Bros. Movie and being a playable character in Mario Golf: Super Rush. Do you feel sidelined?

Look, someone needs to be King of spinoffs. But you know how it is, this casting stuff is all politics! Donkey Kong knows how to schmooze. Why do you think he snatched the villain-to-hero arc? Plus, he looks good in a tie. Me, I’m a man of action. I have a kingdom full of subjects that could explode at any moment! Of course, Bowser’s King Koopa, all the other Koopas are chumps. When Miyamoto’s ready for Mario to fight a real boss again, I’d be happy to jump in.

Are there any other gaming grenadiers that you look to for eruption inspiration?

Well, I must first mention my glorious subjects, the Bob-ombs, of course! Besides you, Jeff, you know what you did. My subjects inspire me every day, and keep me alive by feeding me little treats when I’m hungy. As for others… you have to hand it to Miss Metroid, or whatever her name is, those Power Bombs are no joke.

I’d also like to make a treaty with the Covenant to purchase the tech for those sticky plasma grenades, but these damn inter-console tariffs are gouging me.

What are your secrets to career longevity?

I do what I love—sending young soldiers to an early grave in a pointless, unceasing war that only advances corporate and aristocratic interests—so I never work a day in my life! The truth is, someone is going to be King of the mountain. Why wouldn’t you want it to be you?

You’re more well spoken than I’d expect a walking, talking bomb with a mustache to be.

I have to live up to my noble lineage! I come from a long conveyor belt of great aristocrats. I’m not just a fighter. I write poetry, mostly about the horrors of the Mushroom Kingdom trenches. I patronize the arts, ideally when the artists make statues of me defeating my many nemeses. I’m even thinking of starting a podcast. Don’t you want to listen to the King and his best buds talk about what they’ve been watching and playing this week?

I don’t think so…

Treason! Guards, arrest the journalist.

Wait! You can’t arrest me, I need to blog!

After the recorded conversation, the author was briefly detained by Bob-omb foot soldiers. Luckily, one of them blew a hole in his cell wall ten minutes into his arrest, and the author was able to escape.